Wow. It's been such a long time. I'm a lot rusty!
I thought I owed you guys a reason for why I had been gone for so long.
A year and 31 days ago my grandfather died. If you guys remember me from when I first started on polyvore, I was a very sad, depressed lonely child. You guys made me feel like I belonged somewhere, like I mattered.
When I found out he died, my initial reaction was "Oh" What came after shocked me.
I felt guilty. I never wanted to see him because I blamed him for messing up my families lives. For making my grandmother cry. For making me feel like I had to be perfect to please everyone, making me feel so small.
I disliked him and then he died. At the funeral this was said more than five times, seriously "His Granddaughter was his life. He had never loved anyone more than her."
I felt like shit. I was sad, depressed and I hated myself. I have never wrote that out before, or told anyone that.
My dad went to his house in Florida and told me about the binders upon binders of pictures he had of me. My grandmother thought she had thrown them out by accident. No. He had them. My dad told me "I don't think you realized how much he loved you."
I cried for weeks. I stayed in my room for hours alone because I felt so guilty.
So, yeah. That happened. My dad got into a car accident and almost died (They said he was lucky. I had never cried so much before. I don't know what I would have dome with myself if he had died.) and I'm back at normal school, much to my dismay.
Ummm. Yeah. I'm still shit at these things. And I don't know if I'm going to be on as much but I really just wanted to let you guys know everything that was going on with me and to let you know how much you mean to me. I love you all. You guys were with me at some of my lowest points. I owe you all so much!
If you still want to talk to me or something, you can probably, most likely, definitely find me here: http://i-am-small.tumblr.com/
PS. Again to those that remember me from before. My mom and I get along so much better now :)
I thought I owed you guys a reason for why I had been gone for so long.
A year and 31 days ago my grandfather died. If you guys remember me from when I first started on polyvore, I was a very sad, depressed lonely child. You guys made me feel like I belonged somewhere, like I mattered.
When I found out he died, my initial reaction was "Oh" What came after shocked me.
I felt guilty. I never wanted to see him because I blamed him for messing up my families lives. For making my grandmother cry. For making me feel like I had to be perfect to please everyone, making me feel so small.
I disliked him and then he died. At the funeral this was said more than five times, seriously "His Granddaughter was his life. He had never loved anyone more than her."
I felt like shit. I was sad, depressed and I hated myself. I have never wrote that out before, or told anyone that.
My dad went to his house in Florida and told me about the binders upon binders of pictures he had of me. My grandmother thought she had thrown them out by accident. No. He had them. My dad told me "I don't think you realized how much he loved you."
I cried for weeks. I stayed in my room for hours alone because I felt so guilty.
So, yeah. That happened. My dad got into a car accident and almost died (They said he was lucky. I had never cried so much before. I don't know what I would have dome with myself if he had died.) and I'm back at normal school, much to my dismay.
Ummm. Yeah. I'm still shit at these things. And I don't know if I'm going to be on as much but I really just wanted to let you guys know everything that was going on with me and to let you know how much you mean to me. I love you all. You guys were with me at some of my lowest points. I owe you all so much!
If you still want to talk to me or something, you can probably, most likely, definitely find me here: http://i-am-small.tumblr.com/
PS. Again to those that remember me from before. My mom and I get along so much better now :)
Comment 9 likes